“There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments,” once said garden coach Janet Kilburn – if only we could’ve noticed this warning sooner.

For years, gardeners have been established as ones who mow our lawns, trim our hedges and blow our leaves – but there is an additional, insidious task that has left many United States in the dark.

By 2054, Earth’s population is predicted to reach the heights of “Star Wars” fictional planet Coruscant. At an outrageous number of roughly two trillion, this will be a 24691.4% increase from today’s measure. If no action was taken to counter this exponentially growing population, there would inevitably come a time when the earth’s natural and artificial resources would fail to match the needs of such a vastly inflated society. 

This was the founding concept behind a deliberate government scheme to gradually deteriorate the population of various cities – one being Carlsbad – throughout the nation. While other countries such as China have also been tied to population control, their motives did not appear to be as secretive as the US’s.

Now, a question that may pop up is: “But why gardeners?” The reason for this seemingly obscure choice is largely due to their consistency and the lack of directed attention. Roundup, a herbicide commonly used by gardeners, has itself been proven to portray harmful effects, including the provocation of cancer cases, yet people continue to overlook its use. 

So what would happen if a chemically enhanced version of this already harmful substance (Ultra-Mega-Death-Spray) were to be sprayed at an increased level within select cities? 

Vile, excruciating mass death.

Juniors Sam Karnowski and Henry Davison hold opposing views regarding the use of Ultra-Mega-Death-Spray.

Davison envisions the spray’s positive effects on the future. “I have lost many family members and friends, although I feel it is for a better cause,” he said. “Look how bad overpopulation has gotten – and if some people breathe in the toxic gas, that’s too bad for them, they should’ve been smarter.”

On the other hand, Karnowski has been forced to take on an unexpected burden with the introduction of the death spray. “My house has been the only safe place, so now I have 20 more cats, and I don’t really have the time to feed and care for all of them,” he said. “We should remove it as while having the 20 cats is nice, it is something we should get rid of.”

With divided viewpoints between citizens and heavy government censorship towards those speaking against the Ultra-Mega-Death-Spray’s secretive usage, it could take time before this horrendous plot unfol–… wait… wait… you can’t take me away! Nooo!

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This was a satirical piece in honor of April Fools Day