The infamous Sleeper Agent. Operatives that can go undercover for decades before executing a task. They blend into the everyday wherever they are, leading the least conspicuous lives imaginable. Then in an instant, they are summoned into duty. The summoning is almost subconscious, beyond their normal minds. Most commonly, the agency will transmit a signal in the form of a verbal phrase. This “trigger phrase” culminates in a neural awakening that brings the dormant agent into immediate action.  

Below is a compiled list of the most notable sleeper agent trigger phrases. If said outloud, any ordinary person may be hyper-imposed into an active operative; be careful when vocalizing these phrases. If used at the improper moment, the agent may be programmed to eliminate the activator before returning to dormancy. 

1 – “Look at the lizards, baking in the sun” pertains to the Cryptoterrestrial Megalarps that blend into the elite culture of the world. Cryptoterrestrial Megalarps are the humanoid species of underworld elites that occupy the leading governmental and cultural roles of global society through a group known as the Global Corporation Order (GCO). 

Megalarps are the agents of the GCO, focused on studying common human activity in the prospects of replicating the behaviors. Upon speaking the phrase (only in safe settings), the Megalaps will shed their synthetic “human cloak,” in what looks like a silicon mask. Their green, amphibian-like skin, adapted for the subterrestrial caverns of Earth, will be damaged by direct sunlight. Following painful roars, the Cryptoterrestrials will retreat to nearby underground networks, often sewers in urban settings. 

2 – “Smeegus Alive” is in reference to the eternal monks of the global monasteries across all faithful civilization. Contrary to popular belief, human lifespan is indefinite beyond a certain point, as the effects of aging cease, an slowly reverse, around 130 years old. This has allowed the healthiest and most isolated people, wise monks, to become essentially immortal to natural cause. 

Despite their age, these “eternal monks” eventually return to the mental and physical state of individuals in their fifties, allowing them to assimilate into the ruling class of late-middle aged adults globally. This has caused institutional monastic establishments to outsource their eternal monks into the ruling class of ordinary humans, where the same individuals can often reappear under new names over hundreds of years. 

“Smeegus Alive” activates their cells into mortal function, usually causing immediate aging of the eternal monks, equivalent to their time of slowed aging. This usually causes the seemingly middle aged individuals to transform into fossilized skeletons within minutes of the trigger phrase. 

3 – “You, my friend, are a simpleton!” This trigger requires the most caution, as its usage activates a hostile protocol from the sleeper agents of the United Wealth & Society Club (UWSC). The phrase is unique, as it must be directed towards an individual, rather than being ambiently spoken. 

The UWSC is an American enterprise founded on Wall Street, shortly before the stock  market crash in October of 1929. Hidden from the public, only the most cunning business and elite personalities are allowed membership into the club. Designed to accumulate wealth through legitimate and illegal methods, the purpose of agents in the UWSC is mostly defensive, usually with the effort to maintain professional composure in suspicious situations. 

The hostile response was revealed in 1991 at an office party for Barron Investment LLC in New York City. A jester, hired by the company to entertain employees during the annual holiday party, began to tease the investment bankers as a rehearsed act. Upon saying “You, my friend, are a simpleton,” to the Executive Investment manager, chaos erupted when the manager tackled the jester in a rageful burst. It was only after incapacitating the agent that it was revealed that the company had been operating as a facade for the UWSC.

Final Warnings – It is vital that these phrases, especially #3 are not spoken in order to maintain peace and order globally. 

This article was written as satire for April Fools’ Day