Lunch Line Cutters to be Sentenced to Life Imprisonment in Alcatraz

Jacob Dougherty, Staff Reporter|Apr 1, 2023

Jacob Dougherty

The prison where the students (and two teachers) are held is surrounded by man-eating sharks. This helps prevent line-cutting

A new collaboration between the California Department of Education and the National Parks Service Student Control Division has led to the unveiling of the STITA (Send the Insolents to Alcatraz) Program in response to the nationwide problem of line-cutting.

Due to the extremes in line cutting committed by students, Sage Creek High School has been chosen as the first school to implement this program. 

Students from Sage Creek High School preparing to enter the lunch lines. The lunch lines have been designated a war zone by California Governor Gavin Newsom.
(Jacob Dougherty)

“The lunch lines are like a battlefield, but worse,” campus supervisor Joel Raisings says.

Any student who cuts the line will be immediately arrested, have all their belongings taken away, and sent on a one-way trip to Alcatraz, a maximum-security prison surrounded by man-eating sharks that hasn’t been renovated since George Washington was President. The students are not given the right to trial due to the severity of their crimes.

On the day this program was implemented, almost half the school population was sent to Alcatraz along with two teachers, a plot twist no one could have expected. To help with the arrests, the lunch ladies have now been equipped with handcuffs.

“The lunch ladies have been a valuable asset to our team. Who could have known how adept they are with handcuffs?” said a Student Control Division official.

The Lunch Ladies pose with their newly issued handcuffs. The Lunch Ladies have been vital in the fight against line cutters.
(Jacob Dougherty)

To further teach the students a lesson, there will be no cafeteria at the prison because, of course, that requires a line. Instead, students will be forced to consume their food in the comfort of their cozy cells (shared with a minimum of 5 other people).

“These kids are some of the worst criminals in history. We haven’t seen anything like this since Jack the Ripper,” Al Capone, a prison guard, says. 

The student’s belongings mentioned earlier will be placed in cars on the streets of San Francisco, where they will inevitably be carjacked.

Overall, this program has caused much celebration and joy among parents across the state who are relieved to finally get rid of their children. However, resistance has been met by the city of San Francisco, whose mayor tweeted, “Don’t send those scumbags to us.”

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This is satire for April Fool’s Day.