The lower parking lot at Sage Creek High School was once home to students driving in late, nearing the eighth hour and twenty-fifth minute of every morning. Recently, new measures have been put in place to thwart this comparably easy access lot and “keep students guessing” in the words of campus supervisor Derek Zoolander.

It began with the addition of more traffic cones over a week ago to avoid a deadlock and to mitigate confusion. Evidence proves the desired outcome was not met as the amount of students tardies have risen significantly.

By the end of fourth period, those newly placed traffic cones were no longer standing. Truck tire marks indicate a hit-and-run unfolded that fateful afternoon, leaving five of the cones “as two-dimensional as the Earth during the Middle Ages,” according to a local historian.

In a recent financial report, it became apparent that 20 percent of Sage Creek’s funding goes toward this new traffic program. This program is referred to ambiguously as “The Labyrinth” by officials. 

This plan is not the only thing afoot. A foul, odorous smell has also grown stronger as banana peels have begun decaying, attracting escaped monkeys from the San Diego Zoo. 

Advisors and administrators believe this is not enough, however, and that further restrictions must be made – even going so far as consulting with the entire district. 

“Simply put, these children need to be humbled,” a district official announced during a board meeting. “We have recently scattered banana peels in the lower lot in order to accomplish that mission as well as implemented a variety of extremely unhelpful traffic signs and potholes. Personally, I find this to be the only way these kids will slow down and reconsider their lives… Someone has to suffer in order to learn.”

Mason the chimpanzee, most well-known for his role in the popular film “Madagascar,” approves of Sage Creek’s recent course of action. 

“It is rather smelly up at the Creek, but I just thought it was the students,” Mason admitted. 

At the present, students are recommended to bring nose plugs to school in order to avoid the foul scent that is now heaping from the influx of monkey poop as well. The most recent implementation to the lower lot has been a massive traffic signal which resembles a Christmas tree and points in, roughly, 15 different directions.

An anonymous Sage Creek senior shares their final thoughts on these new parking lot implementations:

“I’ve never been so confused in my life, but I guess that’s high school.”

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This is satire for April Fool’s Day.